How has your upbringing shaped where you are today?

• “I would say my parents, unlike most parents who are more structured and stern in how they parent, my parents were very free-spirited with how they raised my sister and I.  My parents gave us nothing but options constantly. Everything from dance to math was thrown at us and whatever we decided to pursue, my parents were supportive. As a result, I learned to be multi-talented but at the same time, I had no sense of direction or focus because I could not narrow down what area I was going to succeed in. I feel I was a master of none and a jack of all trades. I’m good at a lot of stuff but I mastered nothing. Today, I am still lost in the sauce, I’m around people who have visions for their lives and their career path and I am still winging it today. It’s exhausting because I wonder if I am doing what will make me happy down the line or if I am just getting by?”

As adolescence, we usually dream about the direction we would like our life to go, within our career paths. What was your dream during this time?

• “I thought things would fall in together naturally. I thought I would have a house, be married, and have kids by age 27. Everything would have fallen into place according to my 13-year-old timeline. I had no vision of what career path or anything that stuck out because success was just going to happen.”

Can you talk to me about specific instances that influenced you to diverge from the route that you were on? How did these instances lead you to your current situation?

• “Everything that could have made my life go left from the path I envisioned for myself happened. In my vision, I thought the people in my life in my adolescence would grow with me on my adult journey. Sadly, I lost so many friends to tragedies, which changed my perspective of self, I realized I am not invincible and people may not even make it to 27. My mindset changed from ‘let me plan out my future’ to’ tomorrow doesn’t even exist’. I went down a life-changing spiritual route where I left traditional religion and began figuring out who I actually am without external attachments.  Before beginning my spiritual journey, I went to college for a semester as a result of societal pressure. Because I was put in remedial math that I was not getting credit for, I felt what I could have gained from college is too far in the future for me to even see. I felt defeated. I left college, got a job and my mom got me a car but I couldn’t help feel like I was cruising.  I kept thinking what’s next for me? How am I going to take care of myself? Your minimum wage Target job isn’t going to do that, especially if your 13-year-old vision is to be married and successful in some way. No matter what job I had, I felt I was doing something beneath what I could be doing but I didn’t want to take the college route. There is nothing grayer than that for me.”

• “Currently  20 year old me, 13 years old me, and 27 years old me, I’m now trying to piece together that raw viewpoint I had from those extreme ages. The 13-year-old me planning out what my success is supposed to look like. The 20-year-old me that thought okay these things are too far out to be realistic and where I am at now is I can have a medium. I can be successful if I put myself in a position to be successful. Whatever I decide to do, I will make an effort to grow in that area, whatever that area is. As far as marriage at a certain age or kids at a certain age, I don’t plan my life like that but I’ll make sure I’m in good health so when I decide to have children I can bring them into the world as healthy beings. Right now I am focused on being in a good emotional space and being a good person for the right person. So when marriage happens, if it happens, it will fall into place.”

What is your definition of the grey area? 

• “My definition of the grey area is a viewpoint of yourself more so space. It’s a headspace thing for me, here I am, I’m in my own beautiful apartment, successful relationship, a great job, a bank account with money in it thankfully, and I have no plan on what my life is supposed to be like. What is my purpose here? Did I already accomplish my purpose and I’m kinda just cruising along? Or is my purpose 50 years down the line and the reason I’m cruising along is because I’m just supposed to exist until then.”

Do you believe the grey area is temporary or permanent?

• “I believe it’s temporary, I think you go through multiple grey areas. Nothing is ever going to be a streamline of here’s my next goal, here is my next vision of self, this is my next ladder to climb, nothing is like that. The thing that keeps me going to where I don’t feel like a failure in the grey area is the Kongo Cosmogram. Think of a clock, clocks always move forward in time, but they always revisit that same hour. That’s how life is when you grow. If you are at a standstill at 1 o’clock you are going to come back to that same time in the future and you will not be in that same space. You are constantly growing even if you are at a pause in life. The grey area is temporary, I’m going to revisit that same space again but I’m going to be different the next time I have to handle it.”

Can you talk to me about your emotions/struggles in the grey area?

• “The constant feeling I’m experiencing is feeling like a loser. I am doing okay, I am a thriving adult and I feel like a loser because I am not 27 at the peak of my career or 2 years into my marriage with my first child. I’m 27 and I’m kinda still just winging it, so that’s the battle, to feel like a loser and root for yourself at the same time. I feel like I am faking it until I make it. Let me make sure I’m on my side at the end of the day, even though I’m not making myself proud in any way. One of the things I’ve always wanted to be is somebody for people to look up to for some reason, or cause a reason for someone to be inspired by me. But, nothing I am doing currently is even inspiring, or at least I don’t believe so, it’s not inspiring myself at least. I don’t feel like I am anybody to look up to. I feel like I am very vanilla and I’m not. Anything that makes me unique is not being utilized right now in my sense of feeling like a loser.”

When beginning college, what did your post-graduation timeline look like?

• “I kept lying to myself. I kept telling myself I’m going to be somebody’s dentist or something that sounds like money. My career choice was not focused on my passions or where my heart and mind were, more so the money.  I was focused on pursuing jobs I knew I could do and make money and that’s all I thought about. Let me make sure whatever I decide to major in will make me money and that alone made me sad. The thought of living an entire life based on making choices on how I’m seen in society as successful versus successful to myself made me sad.”

When you decided to stop going to college, how did your life change?

• “Immediately after for some reason my spiritual life changed and that drop-kicked everything that was once me, it destroyed me. There is nothing worse than breaking up with your God. There is no pivotal life moment than being in a grey area where you don’t know what is out there and who you even are,  and what you are existing for. While I had friends still in their first year of college navigating that world and meeting friends, I was time traveling and learning how to go back to nature and be barefoot in the grass and learn how to properly sun gaze. I was learning what a rock can do for my life. How to move and hug a tree. I was in a zone of learning the planet I am on and understand my ancestral background.  Let me go back  20 years,  40 years, 60 years, the timeline of America as a black person, and go backward and backward until I find the root of what it means to be an African American person. All of this was happening at once while I had my friends going on spring breaks. I became completely unrelatable as a person.  I was no longer someone easy to talk to,  nothing mattered to me other than everything,  not everything in the traditional sense, just everything that made everything anything. For example, Diamonds did not intrigue me, I was caught up in how the value of Diamonds was based on popularity. Shit, I was caught up in the age of gold as it pertains to our world, to our Sun.”

What is your current view of college?

• “A lot of people think they must go to college to find out what it is they want to pursue in life. But, for me, I feel the grey area is actually meant for that, not college. Spending time with yourself without being part of that assembly line gives you a sense of what you want to do. In the grey area, you can sit with yourself with no outside interference, and figure out what it is you like and are good at. Not what will make you money and not even what would give you temporary happiness.”

During your post-college phase of life, are there any lessons you learned and would like to share?

• “Nothing lasts forever. Accept the things that leave against your will, with people, jobs, everything. Accept that everything is temporary no matter what it is. If something gives you joy, embrace it, and be there while it’s giving you joy, instead of expecting it to last forever. How you do anything is how you do everything, so always properly represent yourself and your worth.”